Third verse same as the first

    Grab the rag, polish those gloves third verse same as the first. As I stand in  front of the mirror I see this warrior with paint of yellow upon her face.  She is fierce with strong sense of self yet a gleam of worry set's behind her eye's.  Deep breath girl third time is a charm right?

     No end to Endometriosis. This isn't a cliché or catch phrase. This is our motto. I've heard it all. "Don't a lot of women suffer from Endometriosis? " " How bad could it be?" " It's just laproscopy/ colocospy. " Really! Tell that to a women who  has been under for surgery more time's than she cares. Her stomach looks like a battlefield of incisions. Better yet how about a loss of a child or possibly more before she had one or in some cases none. The umpteenth time she head's to ER in a pain that makes giving child birth a breeze. Her mental stability is chaotic,  auto immune disease,  stomach issues and chronic PMS. Bleeding more than usual that feels like someone has taken a knife raking your insides for day's which makes you weak and fatigued. Medications piled on the counter along with books, blogs , heating pads and home remedies.  A diet that is based on twigs and leafs, work outs constantly to keep inflammation at bay.  Hormones askwed. We're used as Medical guinea pigs such as: Injections of chemotherapy, drug's that makes us bonkers. Then at young ages loss of our womenhood. Hysterectomy!  Which does not stop this horrible disease.

     I'm one of a million sisters who is tired of suffering from this disease.  You say, it's just this or that like it's nothing. Well folks WAKE UP! It is called ENDOMETRIOSIS! In my case it has grown onto more. As it has in a lot of my sister's. We're Warriors for a reason. Not everyone can handle this. One thing is for sure we will not stop fighting.

     Those who've read my blog know I had a total hysterectomy last year after under going 7 months of Zoledex (Chemotherapy) . Almost died due to respiratory arrest. They found I had stage IV going on V endo along with andeoymiosis. The endometriosis bonded organs, nerves, spine and arteries together in a inflamed mess.  Only thing left after was my cervix.  Yeah about that.  My endometriosis came back.

      In May I doubled over in pain while at work. There I sat not able to stand it felt like I was in labor. I ruled it out as gas. That weekend I started to bleed. WTF! I'm not supposed to be able to do that I have nothing left! So I called my specialist and they said, "Come in now!"  I did to only be told they had to remove a polyp then and there. The Dr. Who saw me said, " I don't know why they didn't take your cervix.  You now have endometriosis implants covering your cervix.  You know when you have a polyp your body goes through labor and you have contractions right? That is your bodies way to try and push thing's that don't belong out." LABOR! Awesome I get to have the pain but no miracle to follow just a polyp.  Fun! Not!

    My test results came back with disturbing results. I had another abnormal pap. With possible precancerous cells. The endometriosis has grown back creating it's own estrogen.  Thank goodness I refused HRTs or it would be worse. I got the response, " that's odd, that usually doesn't happen." Well in my body it does. Walked away sore from polyp removal and told we have to watch them because it could lead to cervical cancer.  Folks my mom had cervical cancer from endo.  I know who's foot steps I'm following.  A little flipped out I climbed inside myself feeling at a loss. Once recollected myself and thought I will do what I always do. Workout, try to eat right and fight on.

    Month's later more pain started in my abdominal region. This time my left side of my body was visually swollen.  Back to the Endo specialist who didn't like what he saw. Abnormal pap, huge polyp, increased scare tissue and tons of adhesions.  My cervix is a hot mess.  He gave me two options.  One treat with pain meds for two weeks and go from there or we hit the endometriosis on the head go in for a laproscopy / biopsy of the cervix and see why my bladder and cervix are so inflamed.  Just like that poof I'm in for yet another surgery November.  20th. One year, One month after my hysterectomy. 

    Scared beyond belief because last time I coded from going under. Yes, inhalers and more meds to try to prevent respiratory arrest.  My warrior face is painted. Gloves polished and back on. As any endometriosis sister will tell you we fight on. My brother told me something that made sense at the time. Sis, I once knew a guy who was suffering from cancer. Instead of being mad he said, "God only chooses those who can deal with it." Your that strong person. No matter what life has thrown at you, you surpassed it. I don't think other's would be able to have what you have and deal with it the way you or other's like you do. He is right you know. There are a lot of strong warriors amongst us. Some yes have sadly ended their life because even us strong one's get so tired of fighting.  I'm not though. I choose to stand up and say Bring it!  This is for my daughter.

Mandi

Hysterectomy warrior

    Okay ladies, what's done is done. Eleven day's ago I had my LSH ( Laparoscopy Subcervical Hysterectomy.) They took my ovaries, uterus and made a cervical cuff. I'm now part of another group Hystersisters. Highly recommend this online group once you have your Hysterectomy, very helpful. Not to mention the support you will need to walk you through a new page of your life.

The seven month's of Zoladex was worth it. My two large cyst fused by endometriosis shrunk. Plus, I feel this drug throwing me into menopause helped prepare me for what to expect after my hysterectomy. Thirty six year's old and menopausal, who joined the ranks of ladies who lost an organ due to this disease.

What was the findings? Well, my ovaries even on Zoladex grew more cyst. A huge fibroid in my uterus. Great news all tested negative for cancer. My Dr. Removed ovaries and uterus to decrease the chance of that turning to cancer. I was running a high risk due to family history. Well and the fact eventually one of those cyst would be cancer. He found more endo under my uterus so he did another ablation.

Okay, downside. I literally died because of endometriosis. ( as in I wouldn't have this surgery if I didn't have it.) Putting a warning out there to You. Know what drug's your body reacts too. I already knew I couldn't take narcotics for pain meds. Even have to have motion sickness patch and other med to stop me from getting violently ill from anaesthesia. Well under they found I had internal bleeding which they were not to concerned because it could have happened from tools going in. Anyways they found a lot of hematomas under my muscles. After surgery all I remember is whispering "cold and in pain." Then they said your going to feel a warm sensation We're giving you diluadid. This folks is a opioid. What I didn't know my body would react to it. Sure enough I flat lined then they brought me back. Didn't find all of it out until just yesterday at my post op visit. How so you might ask?
   
My mom and girlfriend were going to see me in recovery when they were pushed back saying give her 15-20min. To manage pain. Soon they saw me in my room. I remember being told to move to my bed then my mom asking how I feel. They said goodbye and left. Then I remember being told to sit up so they could strap a halter monitor to me and tubes in my nose so I could breathe. At midnight I came to. From then on I was in and out of consciousness. My mom walked in the morning and saw the monitor and oxygen tubes. She then saw on my board AHA diet. ( American Heart Association diet.) Mom began asking questions. See my whole family is in the medical family and my step dad and uncle are heart patients so she knew something was up. One nurse said, " Shouldn't we all be on the diet." Another my guardian angel as I called her said, " Don't worry mom I stayed with her past midnight and my shift to make sure she was okay." That women pushed me to rally bless her. Questions were evaded until I saw my Dr.

Am I scared now knowing yes, but I see it as endometriosis last hold. I gave my life for it and now have a new lease. No not every one will have this problem. Mine is bad genetics. My family makes poor drug addicts.lol. How do I feel sore, tired and learning my limits. Don't push yourself.

Do's : get up walk a little just like laparoscopy the co2 is nasty mistress you must expell.

Get a pillow to hold against your abdomen.

Rest! Don't be a superstar heal your insides are re adjusting.

Have a extra set of hand's to help. You can't drive for two week's or more depending on what you get done.

Ask for coalesce and drink water , be prepared for major constipation. This will pass.

Get a lot of hugs. You need lots of love at this time.

Warning: you get weepy uncontrollable crying. Depressed. Do not make any life changing decisions for awhile, let yourself settle, focus on healing. Your going to get nasty moody. Feel a loss but as I stood in the shower one day I smiled because it's over.

Next week the Zoladex will officially leave my body. I made it! Wipe brow. Now going to learn about hormones. Estridal 1mg is what they are saying for me because I'm young. We will see. I will blog some more in a few week's. Here is something for you there was a women ahead of me for surgery. She was in for her sixth robotic surgery due to Endo. Six! She wants a baby, I pray it work's. See we go through so much just to be a normal women. Hang in there you can do this.
Hoped this has helped.

Attached are pics of my recovery board and my healing incisions. A lot better than back in the day when they cut into your abdominal. 

Mandi Endometriosis / Hysterectomy warrior.

Keeping Faith

As I prepare myself for my surgery that will happen later tonight I found myself in deep thought. Praying harder than I have before for all to go well. Then it dawned on me. Have you ladies ever asked why me? Then noticed we are not just a women with high pain tolerance, We're all strong women period. Even at our worst lying on floors curled up in pain, crying in agony. That is not a sign We're weak. God or who ever you choose to believe gave us this because we can handle it more than the women next to us.
     Seriously, any women I've known with endometriosis has possessed strong characteristics. We're able to say, " all right that was bad but I really need to get this chore, errand, work, study and etc... done." We may pause then just go about our day. Then I noticed something deeper. Which just may be me who feels it but my Faith is what has truly picked me up and pulled me through this last 7 month's on this injection. Faith has been my greatest strength through it all.

    Yes, it is good to have friend's, husband's, wives and family help us through and support us. What if they fail? Faith is the one consistent thing in our lives.  I'm going to hold on tight to this thought today. Think positive, keep the Faith. 

Depressed state of mind

  Seventh injection! Really I would jump up and down if I had the emotion to care. Yep girl's depression has hit hard. Here I sit waiting to feel something As the world moves about me. I've got nothing except for extreme nervousness for my up and coming surgery.
    So as promised I've kept this going for six months with a bonus round. Here are some questions you and I had about being on Zoladex.
    1.) Weight Gain: yes, but only 5 pounds Ladies and that was only because I ate poorly the last two months. Actually lost the four of the five gained this month. Working out helped. Dr. Said I was one of the healthiest patient's on Zoladex with little weight gain. He has seen it go as far as 20 pounds. Some lose, some gain. Take care of yourself you will do fine. Not as bad as we thought.
    2.) Lack of sex drive: yes and no. Went in waves. As long as your partner who show's great compassion you will be fine. Vaginal dryness is a yes, so lubrication is a most.
    3.) Depression: check, check , Check. Don't let this get you down. Herbal teas will help. Try not to get stressed out. Easier said then done. My down fall was a loss of a family member and relationship woes. This stuff does make you irrational. Suggestions have a friend you can bounce those crazy thoughts too. This helps you through the crazy.
    4.) Hot Flashes: um running around naked and laying in a snow bank sound's divine at this point. YES!! Be prepared they suck! Light breathable clothes. Alcohol makes them flare up more. Still will take it over my period.
    5.) Insomnia: Yes! Your so tired during day. Due to hot flashes as you sleep and mind constantly going you barely sleep.
     6.) Pain: Here and there. Had one feel like I was in labor. Yes, that is common. Lovely right. Went away in a few hour's. We've had worse pain girls. Feel some cramping but the more crappy eating I did the more I felt it.
    7.) Headaches: yes keep advil handy their frequent enough to be a pain in the behind.
    8.) Mood changes: YES your a "B*#ch". No joke it is hard to handle your temper. Becareful. Go scream in a pillow, walk away. Foot in mouth a lot. You don't even mean it, no filter slips out.

So there you have it. I'll write more later this week. Here you are. Hoping this has been helpful.  There was a funny part to this last injection. The nurse taking my blood pressure. " wow your hot! No your burning up!" Me, " giggle, this is just the start of my hot flash. Haven't even broke into a sweat yet." The nurse mouth dropped. She gave me my blood pressure numbers. ( awesome by the way) walked away shaking her head. Think I scared her right out of hot flashes.
Hang in there ladies. There is a light At The end of this path.

No filtter

Drum roll please injection 6! Yeah, only this is not my last. Yes they approved number 7. Fun! Not! Yet, this injection has to happen in order for surgery. What's one more month right? I can do this, as I repeat that over and over again. " just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." Yes, can you tell I'm a parent?lol
     Let's play catch up shall we. Injection 5 towards the end started to make me feel neasua around five at night into the wee hours of the morning. Injection 6 has brought a low mild depression, headaches, tiredness and no filter. I like to think of this as "price is right" game show. "Tell her what she has won! Well Bob she has one, one month of saying thing's you usually keep to yourself, headaches, no sleep due to night sweats, bitchy towards everyone, no patient's and depression! Back to you Bob."
    Okay, to be honest I have added stress these past month's which no one should have to have on top of all this. Life happens and you cannot stop a death of a loved one, boyfriend woes, work stress, ex-husband, financial delays, family and anything your child is needing. So verbal purge is what happens. Not just any kind of purging, the stuff you should have filtered before you say. You know " If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it all." That should be me, but it just flies out ladies. Menopause takes no prisoners. Us who are on Zoladex have been thrown into this phase in hyper drive so I believe the crazy is less controllable.
My advice when you feel the anger and rage rise. Quickly grab a pillow or walk away and scream. Your loved one's by this time are growing thin with patient's but if they love you, they will understand. Hug them too. Apologize. Most importantly don't be to hard on yourself. Your going through a lot no matter what injection your taking.
    Have I gained weight? Well yes and no. A pound here and there no more than three. Then I lose it. My motivation this month has been low. Then I watch Lisa on Daily Hiit for workouts and I find my strength to push forward. Due to stress and poor eating habits this month it has been a struggle, but I'm taking it back by jumping on the wagon of health. Yes, you notice if your not being healthy.
    Also my surgery is September 30th. A month away. Full hyst. Even taking the cervix. So What was 2 weeks recovery maybe 4-6 week's. I will keep blogging even after the surgery. Our journey has not ended and I want to give hope, information to all that are going through this. Doesn't end after they remove everything. There is hormone therapy, recovery and how I feel off Zoladex, having a hyst, and more drugs! Fun! Most importantly I do this for Endometriosis Awareness and encouragement to you who are traveling this road. Yes, you can do it. Hugs. I'm always here to lend a smile and strength.

Sincerly ,

Mandi

No more Mr. Roboto injection 5

Okay, laughing at the title, I will share this inside joke to you of course. Why did I title this No more Mr. Roboto? Besides being a great 80's song. This refers to Injection number 5 and my doctor.

You see when I first had my laparoscopy my Dr. Excitedly was talking to my brother and boyfriend about this new procedure using robots to remove endometriosis and cysts. In fact, he hasn't stopped with excitement. Oh a boy and his toy's. ( laughing). Well sad to say I let him down some. How did I do that?

While getting injection 5 you have a Dr. Consultation of what the next steps are. He started by yes, talking about robots going in through vaginal wall, ablation, remove the two hopefully shrunken cyst hanging out fused to organs.  I sat there listening and confused a hysterectomy wasn't being mentioned. So as you always should ladies SPEAK UP to your wants or needs! " ah that's nice in all but I thought you were going to do  a Hysterectomy?" I asked. His face that was lite up like a kid at Christmas went blank. " you still want one? This chemo could have helped, your 36 and this would mean no more babies. You would go right into menopause after the procedure." Confused and afraid he was going to say what they all have said to me, because I am young and had a baby there maybe a chance. So I spoke up. " well this Is what will happen. One, I was already premenopausal before Zoladex. Two I'll get the ablation and cyst remove to only find myself here once again year to two year's down the road in pain once again, putting close to 40 where your going to put me on injections and mention hysterectomy to me. Thirdly looking at my medical records do you think I can honestly have another baby? Fourth what is the difference about menopause than what I'm going through now? I've been for five months now. Also, I DON'T WANT MY PERIOD OR HORMONAL STATE BACK!!! Why be in pain? I love this no period or pain. I'm more myself than I ever have been. I feel normal." He smiled opened my chart And said," I was just checking, playing devil's advocate offering you a way out if you thought you wanted to be a mom again. Looking at your chart, the Zoladex could have helped but no your right. You've done your research on ablations. So ( insert sad face with deep sigh) no robotic procedure. We will go in abdominal lap. Then hormone therapy." I sat there thinking once again processing his words. He said, I would go into full menopause that would only happen if I had a full hysterectomy. " Question,  menopause? That can only happen if I have a full. Partial that wouldn't happen so quickly." I asked. He then said, " oh dear you are getting a full. Your uterus causes the Endo, plus ( dramatically shutting my medical file throwing onto desk.) Have you seen your ovaries? Their a mess. Ovarian cancer runs high in your family, were taking them, getting an ambulation and removing those huge cyst. Might even be a radical hysterectomy if your cervix doesn't look good." Me  " eep. Okay bring it. As long as I don't have my period ever again I'm great."  We shook hands and now I'm seeing a light at the end of my tunnel.

Game plan. Found out injection 6 might not be my last one. Depending on Dr. Answer will be 7 injections instead. Why? Well because they want to do any surgery be it ablation to hyst while your on your injection. In fact the nurse said, They like to have it done two weeks after your last injection, four weeks being the latest. The only time I can have the surgery is Sept. 30 th. A day after my daughter's birthday. Ironic and fitting. Plus, school starting , soccer and birthday I don't want to be out of the game that month. The date I choose is past 4 weeks date. When they told me that it would be problematic and painful once off injections. Thing's would wake up, inflammatory and endo will be mad. 6 months of no period yeah I know you winced like me. Our body will let us know it's thoughts on that topic. I've heard horror stories about when you get off the injection. Sorry ladies it is true from what my nurse said.  You will feel better if you get your procedures done before you end and then your fine. If you wait to have all this done after injections well She told me, You will Not Only be in pain, begging to get back on. So I said why not just give me a 7 th injection. Then I'll be two weeks out for surgery. She will get back with me. Simple really.

I'll keep you posted on that. As for injection 5. Feeling a little queasy but you do your first two weeks of each injection. Headaches again. This week felt horrible cramping like I was in labor. First pain in month's. Did my research, Zoladex can cause your cervix to cramp and contract!  Stay calm, it is short lived or for me three hour's. Each hour it lessened. From 10 to 7 to 3 in intensity. Only happened once so far. Before you call your Dr. In a panic which I didn't, just research and remember this info. You can do this!  Here's to almost being done. Not to bad ladies. You do feel normal and good 90% of the time. Way better than what you have been feeling.

Don't poke the bear

Wouldn't be me if I didn't find humor in what I'm going through with endo, and good old Zoladex.

Feeling Snarky? Comments of all variety coming from you mouth? Low tolerance for well everybody? Hot flashes got you panting? Memory loss such as; locking yourself out of your house while your keys dangle on hook near the door? Tired? Yep your menopausing. Zoladex doesn't fail you here folks. Sad part I prefer this over having my period. Pain free and loving it. You are moody however and sometimes very distant.

Can not say injection 4 hasn't had it's moments emotionally, but as we all know life happens. Loss of a love one, stress at work, not getting along with people who annoy you. Quick temper and easily irritated. Been in funk which this drug helps you go quickly into depression. Pull yourself out. My friends and boyfriend especially has been a blessing this past month. "All you need is love." "Laughter too." Amazing how much a hug or kind word pulls you back up to fighting stance. Hoping all of you going through this or about to has this support. Your going need it. Remember: people forget your on chemo/ HRT because your taking it like a pro and strong, not complaining. So when you snap, not feeling yourself kindly remind them what your taking.

This past month I've had an increase of headaches. Some mild hair loss not bad just shed more hair. No worries your not going bald. Special note I did gain a few only a few pounds. This was not the drug, this was me and poor eating habits due to some stresses in my life. I've lost it again because yes Exercise. I know, I know I say this every post but it bares repeating. Besides that you do hit funks, low points. Noticed a lot more bruising and varicose veins yuck! Your joints are more tender too.

Oh another thing to mention. When you do a lot of ab workouts you feel your injection and don't feel good by bed time. Goes away. This may just be me. Also would like to add drinking alcohol does funky stuff to. Your body can only handle a few. You start feeling sick and tipsy quicker. Not to mention a depressant while on Zoladex well you know you will not be a ray of sunshine. This is coming from an Irish women who can handle her alcohol. I don't drink every day mind You.Please Becareful,  know your limit and listen to your body.

That about cover's injection 4. Staying positive and besides all the minor stuff, you feel more normal than ever. You can handle these hormone swings way better than endo one's. Very relaxed at times and the no pain or period's AWESOME. So worth it. Hang in there my endo sister's.