No filtter

Drum roll please injection 6! Yeah, only this is not my last. Yes they approved number 7. Fun! Not! Yet, this injection has to happen in order for surgery. What's one more month right? I can do this, as I repeat that over and over again. " just keep swimming, swimming, swimming." Yes, can you tell I'm a parent?lol
     Let's play catch up shall we. Injection 5 towards the end started to make me feel neasua around five at night into the wee hours of the morning. Injection 6 has brought a low mild depression, headaches, tiredness and no filter. I like to think of this as "price is right" game show. "Tell her what she has won! Well Bob she has one, one month of saying thing's you usually keep to yourself, headaches, no sleep due to night sweats, bitchy towards everyone, no patient's and depression! Back to you Bob."
    Okay, to be honest I have added stress these past month's which no one should have to have on top of all this. Life happens and you cannot stop a death of a loved one, boyfriend woes, work stress, ex-husband, financial delays, family and anything your child is needing. So verbal purge is what happens. Not just any kind of purging, the stuff you should have filtered before you say. You know " If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it all." That should be me, but it just flies out ladies. Menopause takes no prisoners. Us who are on Zoladex have been thrown into this phase in hyper drive so I believe the crazy is less controllable.
My advice when you feel the anger and rage rise. Quickly grab a pillow or walk away and scream. Your loved one's by this time are growing thin with patient's but if they love you, they will understand. Hug them too. Apologize. Most importantly don't be to hard on yourself. Your going through a lot no matter what injection your taking.
    Have I gained weight? Well yes and no. A pound here and there no more than three. Then I lose it. My motivation this month has been low. Then I watch Lisa on Daily Hiit for workouts and I find my strength to push forward. Due to stress and poor eating habits this month it has been a struggle, but I'm taking it back by jumping on the wagon of health. Yes, you notice if your not being healthy.
    Also my surgery is September 30th. A month away. Full hyst. Even taking the cervix. So What was 2 weeks recovery maybe 4-6 week's. I will keep blogging even after the surgery. Our journey has not ended and I want to give hope, information to all that are going through this. Doesn't end after they remove everything. There is hormone therapy, recovery and how I feel off Zoladex, having a hyst, and more drugs! Fun! Most importantly I do this for Endometriosis Awareness and encouragement to you who are traveling this road. Yes, you can do it. Hugs. I'm always here to lend a smile and strength.

Sincerly ,

Mandi

No more Mr. Roboto injection 5

Okay, laughing at the title, I will share this inside joke to you of course. Why did I title this No more Mr. Roboto? Besides being a great 80's song. This refers to Injection number 5 and my doctor.

You see when I first had my laparoscopy my Dr. Excitedly was talking to my brother and boyfriend about this new procedure using robots to remove endometriosis and cysts. In fact, he hasn't stopped with excitement. Oh a boy and his toy's. ( laughing). Well sad to say I let him down some. How did I do that?

While getting injection 5 you have a Dr. Consultation of what the next steps are. He started by yes, talking about robots going in through vaginal wall, ablation, remove the two hopefully shrunken cyst hanging out fused to organs.  I sat there listening and confused a hysterectomy wasn't being mentioned. So as you always should ladies SPEAK UP to your wants or needs! " ah that's nice in all but I thought you were going to do  a Hysterectomy?" I asked. His face that was lite up like a kid at Christmas went blank. " you still want one? This chemo could have helped, your 36 and this would mean no more babies. You would go right into menopause after the procedure." Confused and afraid he was going to say what they all have said to me, because I am young and had a baby there maybe a chance. So I spoke up. " well this Is what will happen. One, I was already premenopausal before Zoladex. Two I'll get the ablation and cyst remove to only find myself here once again year to two year's down the road in pain once again, putting close to 40 where your going to put me on injections and mention hysterectomy to me. Thirdly looking at my medical records do you think I can honestly have another baby? Fourth what is the difference about menopause than what I'm going through now? I've been for five months now. Also, I DON'T WANT MY PERIOD OR HORMONAL STATE BACK!!! Why be in pain? I love this no period or pain. I'm more myself than I ever have been. I feel normal." He smiled opened my chart And said," I was just checking, playing devil's advocate offering you a way out if you thought you wanted to be a mom again. Looking at your chart, the Zoladex could have helped but no your right. You've done your research on ablations. So ( insert sad face with deep sigh) no robotic procedure. We will go in abdominal lap. Then hormone therapy." I sat there thinking once again processing his words. He said, I would go into full menopause that would only happen if I had a full hysterectomy. " Question,  menopause? That can only happen if I have a full. Partial that wouldn't happen so quickly." I asked. He then said, " oh dear you are getting a full. Your uterus causes the Endo, plus ( dramatically shutting my medical file throwing onto desk.) Have you seen your ovaries? Their a mess. Ovarian cancer runs high in your family, were taking them, getting an ambulation and removing those huge cyst. Might even be a radical hysterectomy if your cervix doesn't look good." Me  " eep. Okay bring it. As long as I don't have my period ever again I'm great."  We shook hands and now I'm seeing a light at the end of my tunnel.

Game plan. Found out injection 6 might not be my last one. Depending on Dr. Answer will be 7 injections instead. Why? Well because they want to do any surgery be it ablation to hyst while your on your injection. In fact the nurse said, They like to have it done two weeks after your last injection, four weeks being the latest. The only time I can have the surgery is Sept. 30 th. A day after my daughter's birthday. Ironic and fitting. Plus, school starting , soccer and birthday I don't want to be out of the game that month. The date I choose is past 4 weeks date. When they told me that it would be problematic and painful once off injections. Thing's would wake up, inflammatory and endo will be mad. 6 months of no period yeah I know you winced like me. Our body will let us know it's thoughts on that topic. I've heard horror stories about when you get off the injection. Sorry ladies it is true from what my nurse said.  You will feel better if you get your procedures done before you end and then your fine. If you wait to have all this done after injections well She told me, You will Not Only be in pain, begging to get back on. So I said why not just give me a 7 th injection. Then I'll be two weeks out for surgery. She will get back with me. Simple really.

I'll keep you posted on that. As for injection 5. Feeling a little queasy but you do your first two weeks of each injection. Headaches again. This week felt horrible cramping like I was in labor. First pain in month's. Did my research, Zoladex can cause your cervix to cramp and contract!  Stay calm, it is short lived or for me three hour's. Each hour it lessened. From 10 to 7 to 3 in intensity. Only happened once so far. Before you call your Dr. In a panic which I didn't, just research and remember this info. You can do this!  Here's to almost being done. Not to bad ladies. You do feel normal and good 90% of the time. Way better than what you have been feeling.

Don't poke the bear

Wouldn't be me if I didn't find humor in what I'm going through with endo, and good old Zoladex.

Feeling Snarky? Comments of all variety coming from you mouth? Low tolerance for well everybody? Hot flashes got you panting? Memory loss such as; locking yourself out of your house while your keys dangle on hook near the door? Tired? Yep your menopausing. Zoladex doesn't fail you here folks. Sad part I prefer this over having my period. Pain free and loving it. You are moody however and sometimes very distant.

Can not say injection 4 hasn't had it's moments emotionally, but as we all know life happens. Loss of a love one, stress at work, not getting along with people who annoy you. Quick temper and easily irritated. Been in funk which this drug helps you go quickly into depression. Pull yourself out. My friends and boyfriend especially has been a blessing this past month. "All you need is love." "Laughter too." Amazing how much a hug or kind word pulls you back up to fighting stance. Hoping all of you going through this or about to has this support. Your going need it. Remember: people forget your on chemo/ HRT because your taking it like a pro and strong, not complaining. So when you snap, not feeling yourself kindly remind them what your taking.

This past month I've had an increase of headaches. Some mild hair loss not bad just shed more hair. No worries your not going bald. Special note I did gain a few only a few pounds. This was not the drug, this was me and poor eating habits due to some stresses in my life. I've lost it again because yes Exercise. I know, I know I say this every post but it bares repeating. Besides that you do hit funks, low points. Noticed a lot more bruising and varicose veins yuck! Your joints are more tender too.

Oh another thing to mention. When you do a lot of ab workouts you feel your injection and don't feel good by bed time. Goes away. This may just be me. Also would like to add drinking alcohol does funky stuff to. Your body can only handle a few. You start feeling sick and tipsy quicker. Not to mention a depressant while on Zoladex well you know you will not be a ray of sunshine. This is coming from an Irish women who can handle her alcohol. I don't drink every day mind You.Please Becareful,  know your limit and listen to your body.

That about cover's injection 4. Staying positive and besides all the minor stuff, you feel more normal than ever. You can handle these hormone swings way better than endo one's. Very relaxed at times and the no pain or period's AWESOME. So worth it. Hang in there my endo sister's.

Take 4

Where did the time go I'm already on injection number 4?  This time no bruise. They put it on the left side. Oh yeah that is what I forgot to tell you. They switch injection spots every other side each month.  So here is my silly theory on this. My left side always goes smoother, mentally, side effect wise etc. Which follows my period's. Left side was always easier. Right side with injections and periods seems to be the bad side. Plus, this is where my endo problems are the worst. Funny that just dawned on me.

Okay, let's see have I gained weight for all of You worried about blog's or websites that say Zoladex does this. Nope actually lost weight. Maybe my body isn't bloating as much. I work out just as I've always have. This might be what normal is like. The working out you have read in all my post is what helps true believer in this.

What is working for me bodyrock (daily hiit). Not just plunging this for them to get more hits on their site. They have free workouts and helps you mentally push yourself and reach goals in your home. They've helped me revamp my body and outlook with positive thinking. This helped me relieve cramps during my period and now mentally while dealing with this drug. Rises your endorphins gives me confidence body wise. Remember this works for me. Find something that inspires you. Yoga, daily hiit training, running, walking, WOD or insanity workout's. This is one of the many keys to help our disease girl's. As I said before my Dr. Said, "25 to 60 minutes three to four days a week will help." He is right.  I'm choosing to be a true warrior. When I work out I imagine beating this disease. I will not become a victim but a fighter.

Other symptoms. Yes, oddly enough you do still feel when you should ovulate even though your not. Still have cravings but this could be sympathy to your girlfriend's / co- worker's cycle's. Headaches, yes a huge increase.. If you've been reading hot flashes are a big check along with water retension. Dizzy and confusion yes once in awhile. Forgetfulness check. Joint pain/ discomfort, once and awhile. Break through periods, not for me woot, woot! Trust me ladies this is the biggest plus to this drug. Hyperglycemia yes, I've always had it but it has become more prevalent.  Easy bruising YES! So annoyed by that. Loss of hair, some but not to noticeable. My hair texture is a tad dry and a lot more does come out along with your normal shedding of hair. So no buying wigs ladies it is small amounts. Breast size decrease, yes I'm down 1/2 cup, no loss there never been that well endowed. Plus side they no longer hurt or tender after injection three.  Oh urinate a lot more frequently was not a joke on this symptom. Think I've drove my coworkers nuts on this. Sometimes you will feel tenderness or a cramp around injection site. Not bad and goes away quickly. Nothing as bad as what we are use to. Your breath is sweeter too which is an interesting side effect.

What's in store? Only the month will tell. They are impressed I'm doing so well on the Zoladex. Remaining positive and have little issues. I said what all patients say, " only two more injections to go." The fifth injection I meet up with my Dr. To discuss surgery. My goal get it done before I have my first period off the Zoladex. Heard it is bad and your begging to get back on just to avoid the pain. If I don't oh well I'm use to it. Endo is an vengeful disease. Just knowing I have the tools to beat it is satisfying enough. The key word staying positive.

Hug to everyone going through this or thinking about it. You can do it. Blog about it. If you don't want to be so public as I am. Write in a journal or communicate to love ones. My goal is to help reach out. Document my journey and Hopefully shed light on all that we all go through.

Huston we have a problem

I wish this could be a happy post but zoladex injection 3 has caused a emotional break down. This drug gets to your head. Is it because what takes years naturally for your body to do, this injection does in a month? Bam menopause. Starting to see why women were put in institutions. Menopause is a beast.

Between communication problem's, misunderstandings while in this state causes a irrational behavior. I once read a women's post who said her doctor or her husband  had a code word "zolly Wolly ". Referring to her being in a bad frame of mind. You get really sad, doubt, worry about every little thing. Yes, well at least for me about having kids or not being able to have them again. My thought process went to a darker thought. What if thing's don't work out with my boyfriend who is going to want a woman of my age who cannot have children? Scars all over her stomach and on hormones for the rest of her life? I can't even cuddle with my child because the hot flashes are so bad. Feel as if I'm rejecting her, have a short fuse etc... what if she's not getting the love I always give her? You keep going deeper and deeper in depression. You feel numb to everything until BAM! It needs to spill out in tears and angst. My dearest girlfriend who I tell my deepest thoughts to caught me. She listened to my irrational side. Gave me words of encouragement and love I so deeply needed to hear over the phone. You see one reason I got so bad was I'm the strong one in my group and family. Usually I have words of wisdom, comfort and knowledge. The strength to hold on. What happens when the strong willed people break down? Who catches them? Answer your closest girlfriend who know you and knows you too have weak moments.

Have heart you pull out of this. Surround yourself with love, physical contact ( hugs) find small things to smile at. Towards the end of the month you feel better. One thing that helped me is herbal teas. Not only did this help with water retension ( which is a cause of such mood swings), it helped get your libido back a little, it calms your mood swings and hot flashes too. Way better than going on all the drug's they want to put you on.

Tea: nettle, dandelion and vitex ( Chaste Tree or Chaste Berry tree). Recognize this my endometriosis friend's? Some of you are probably nodding yes. For this is the same stuff in teas that are recommended to help with our cramps and pain with endo. The only thing you shouldn't take is black chosh at this time. Can't remember why but they said no. This really does help. I take it every other day. I only do Chaste Tree twice a week since it is putting some estrogen in your body but not enough to mess with treatment. My Dr. Approved this. So Please ask your Dr. First.

Okay onto those nasty hot flashes. Yes they get worse. Not so sure summer was a good idea to be on Zoladex. Humidity, plus 88 degrees plus hot flashes equals misery. Cotton, light clothes ladies. Polyester or non-breathable fabric not your friend at this point. They are not just hot fluxes but sweats! Nightly sleep well your going to sleep less sorry. Fans, hardly no clothes and a sheet is all your going to need. Even the sheet is too much at times. Remember your hot flashes are intense you know when your getting them. You go from cuddling to throwing people off you.

I've found certain thing's make the hot flashes worse. Caffeine ( I'll deal love my coffee/ chocolate too much), alcohol only takes one drink to increase these bad boys. Greasy food which this just might be me but it tends to increase them. Also being upset gets them going.

One thing that work's for me to get these in control and water retension down. Working out! Yes, walk, run, body rock (hiit training). This helps you sweat and gets a lot of water out of your body. Ice water lots and lots of water. Eating some what healthy. Very simple thing's but they help.

As for my poor daughter who likes to cuddle. I've told her to squeeze her teddy bear that use to be mine growing up. Every time she hugs the bear he hugs me. Yes, I'll cuddle with her to a point then tell her "mommy is hot." Bless her heart she fan's me or turns a fan on for me. She has seen my stomach with bruises and band-aids. Like you can keep a child from not barging in on you lol. Poor thing goes quiet. I just reassure her it is mommy getting healthy for her and that it is for a short time. Keep my fears, tears away from her as much as I can. She knows the basic. Mommy is sick but getting better. She is the light of my life and helps me through this more than she knows by keeping me going.

Remember your friends sometimes forget you are taking Chemo because you are basically acting normal. They don't know the battle we're fighting in our head and body. Be honest about how your feeling communicate to love one's as much as possible. You tend to get deep in your head. Apologize for outburst. Deep breathes. We're doing this to be pain free. Is it worth it? You will want to say No. Then you say Yes! Plus to this no painful period's. Been so nice not being in complete pain. I spoke with another endo suffer and she summed it up nicely. "Sad that being labor didn't phase me. The pain was not nearly as bad as my periods." This puts what we're going through in perspective, well for me it does. Be Pain Free!

Half way point

Third injection! Only three more to go of Zoladex. Decided to add a picture of what your stomach my look like after an injection gone awry. Actually had a great nurse. She numbed me, waited 5 minutes and slipped the insert in. Didn't even notice 'til I saw her face. " I'm so sorry your bleeding I have to apply pressure. I accidentally ruptured a blood vessel there will be bruising." Hence photo below. This four days old too. Told you, you will bruise easy. So no bikinis for us. Don't know about you but I do not even want my boyfriend to see.
    The only thing going on so far is my hot flashes turned into hot sweats. You have one hot flash and it feels like your dripping in sweat. So bring a towel, stay cool, wear cotton or the lighter the better. These hot flashes are like your skin is on fire and you cannot get cool fast enough.
     To fix this I'm going to try nettle and dandelion tea for reducing water retention and Chase Berry Tree tea if Dr. Approves to natural reduce hot flashes. Keep you posted on how well this helps. More in a week on third injection.

Third verse same as the first

As I finished up month two of Zoladex I experienced what they call the Zolly Wolly's. This a term for holy emotions! Would you like a side of Zanex with that? First off spring/ summer heat wave with a side of humidity mixed with hot flashes YIKES! Let's take that heat/ hot flashes and add water retention. Can we say umpa lumpa and very grumpy. You go from I'll tolerate you, too your jerk, don't touch me, just leave me along in seconds!
       As for weight gain side effect, I've actually lost some and staying about the same. Mind you I'm working out 4-5 days a week. I'm doing Daily Hiit (bodyrocktv) and skimble. Also taking up running. My eating habits are bad once again, so work to going back to eating clean made me feel better and less tired.
      Some side effects I'm experiencing. Bruise, bruise, bruises. You won't even know what you did but you will find you get them so easily. Joint pain, headaches, insomnia and some cramping. I didn't get my period which was the biggest plus. Still had sweet carvings, emotional and some cramps but nothing like what we're  used too.
      The hardest part of all this for me is that my daughter can't snuggle up to me for long before my hot flashes hit. Hard for her to understand mommy can't handle having extra heat while going through one. All I want to do is hold her close. My suggestion ladies ice packs, fans and distance when your angry. Your Going to have a short fuse to thing's that normally wouldn't bug you.